Lies & Manipulation

"When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl  it take a toll on her psychological wellbeing, you wanna know why girls act crazy, take a look at the guy she's dating, then you'll really see some crazy! trust me" - Mike Tyson

I have had the worst luck with relationships over my lifetime. Some have been worse than others, but none of them can I really look back upon and say, that was a good relationship…to bad it ended.

Instead I have always been very guarded, letting people in just enough, but keeping myself shielded off for when they inevitable will do…hurt me…so that I will be able to get over it.

Well about 4 months ago, I finally did, after much contemplation and debate let someone in, a friend of mine that I had known for a while. One of our mutual friends actually brought it to my attention that he liked me almost a year before I actually considered it, but at the time I was involved in my latest dead-end relationship that I knew was going nowhere fast.  

Well obviously, the dead-end relationship ended, only for me to find out that it wasn’t really a relationship. I apparently had been the only one to believe that I was actually in a relationship, even though I am pretty sure (100% sure) that we had talked about it. But I hadn’t been to open and involved in the relationship so I didn’t really mind too much when it ended. Like I said…this is me, I didn’t expect anything from that dead-end relationship.

Anywho, I continued to go about my life. Single. Training. Running. Enjoying. Even though I was now single I didn’t see the point pick up another dead-end relationship with my friend, someone younger than me, who obviously wouldn’t know what he really wanted and for a few more logical reason. Yes, I found him attractive and though he was kinda nice, and yes we were into the same things, but I know my luck…it’s me, relationships always end badly – mostly with me getting hurt. So we just remained friends.  Eventually he left to go take care of some family stuff up in Central Florida, which ended the possibility anyway…right?

One night, after a few to many drinks, I was talking to him while he was still in Central Florida and I mentioned that “yes I liked him” and I admitted the reason that I had been cautious about telling him before was that his was young, and didn’t know what he wanted and that we trained together and if something happened it would make things awkward.

Well you know how guys are, I got the BS: all my friends are older then me line and a bunch of other crap lines. But again, he was in Central Florida so what does it matter right. A few months go by…2 or 3 and then one day I am in kickboxing and in he walks. I had no idea that he was coming back, I asked him why he didn’t tell me. He said he wanted to surprise me and surprise me he did. My girl said my face light up like it was Christmas. Because yes there were all those reasons as to why, but I did like the boy damnit! LOL

So we start hanging out, but I didn’t know about letting him in, I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt him and all of those issues about his age and the fact that we train together keep running around in the back of my head. But the more we hung out, the more I realized how much we got along and how good we were together. All those things that I hate in relationships and problems I have, he didn’t provide any of them. It was just easy and for the first time I actually started to consider maybe just maybe letting someone in.

After talking to him and listening to the things (lines) he feed me, I did drop my guard. Faster and farther down then I have ever dropped my guard before. I opened myself up and made myself completely and utterly 100% venerable.

Big Freaking Mistake!

Of course…this is me we are talking about, so you know exactly what happened. It ended. Badly. To be honest it still hurts to think about it. I am not yet ready to say how it ended, but not well. And I don't know if I will fully recover from this one. As I said, I've been hurt a lot before,  but never lead on and screwed over so badly by a friend & lover. I think he pretty much took the last trust I had.

I know people say that I’ll get over it, but I also know me. It took me so much to open up to him. The stuff that he told me, I have never been so lied to & lead on in my life by a friend and let’s face it, if a friend can do that so easily to me....shit.

I still can’t get over the BS crap that he said to me. If I was that type of person I would tell you all the crap he said to me. Because it is all still there in my phone via txt messages and Facebook messages, but to be honest, it would just hurt too much and I am trying to keep from feeling anymore pain right now.

It just makes me so angry. How stupid was I to actually believer him & trust him! I though he was my friend. I thought he was a good honest person. I didn't realize how much of a snake he was lying to my face so easily, in front of all our friends. Completely uncaring of any pain that he knew he was going to cause me. 

I'm mad at him, but I guess in all reality I'm really mad at myself for falling for another guy who ended up being no different than any of the other ones. For letting my guard down and actually opening up and for just the plain fact that I didn't see it! WTF is wrong w/ me?! Do I have a giant flashing sign on my forehead that says "gullible loser...screw over here"

I has been a few weeks…usually I would be so over it right now, but I swear to god I'm fucking broken. I think that I am just one of those people who is destine to not be in a relationship. That is ok right, there is always bag therapy!

Sadly, I don't think I will ever open up to someone like that again. I never had before & I am damn sure I won't again.