My Relationship

So this is my new motto, because lets face it...why bother anymore. I know its going to end before it even starts. I don't feel like wasting my time anymore.

Lies & Manipulation

"When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl  it take a toll on her psychological wellbeing, you wanna know why girls act crazy, take a look at the guy she's dating, then you'll really see some crazy! trust me" - Mike Tyson

I have had the worst luck with relationships over my lifetime. Some have been worse than others, but none of them can I really look back upon and say, that was a good relationship…to bad it ended.

Instead I have always been very guarded, letting people in just enough, but keeping myself shielded off for when they inevitable will do…hurt me…so that I will be able to get over it.

Well about 4 months ago, I finally did, after much contemplation and debate let someone in, a friend of mine that I had known for a while. One of our mutual friends actually brought it to my attention that he liked me almost a year before I actually considered it, but at the time I was involved in my latest dead-end relationship that I knew was going nowhere fast.  

Well obviously, the dead-end relationship ended, only for me to find out that it wasn’t really a relationship. I apparently had been the only one to believe that I was actually in a relationship, even though I am pretty sure (100% sure) that we had talked about it. But I hadn’t been to open and involved in the relationship so I didn’t really mind too much when it ended. Like I said…this is me, I didn’t expect anything from that dead-end relationship.

Anywho, I continued to go about my life. Single. Training. Running. Enjoying. Even though I was now single I didn’t see the point pick up another dead-end relationship with my friend, someone younger than me, who obviously wouldn’t know what he really wanted and for a few more logical reason. Yes, I found him attractive and though he was kinda nice, and yes we were into the same things, but I know my luck…it’s me, relationships always end badly – mostly with me getting hurt. So we just remained friends.  Eventually he left to go take care of some family stuff up in Central Florida, which ended the possibility anyway…right?

One night, after a few to many drinks, I was talking to him while he was still in Central Florida and I mentioned that “yes I liked him” and I admitted the reason that I had been cautious about telling him before was that his was young, and didn’t know what he wanted and that we trained together and if something happened it would make things awkward.

Well you know how guys are, I got the BS: all my friends are older then me line and a bunch of other crap lines. But again, he was in Central Florida so what does it matter right. A few months go by…2 or 3 and then one day I am in kickboxing and in he walks. I had no idea that he was coming back, I asked him why he didn’t tell me. He said he wanted to surprise me and surprise me he did. My girl said my face light up like it was Christmas. Because yes there were all those reasons as to why, but I did like the boy damnit! LOL

So we start hanging out, but I didn’t know about letting him in, I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt him and all of those issues about his age and the fact that we train together keep running around in the back of my head. But the more we hung out, the more I realized how much we got along and how good we were together. All those things that I hate in relationships and problems I have, he didn’t provide any of them. It was just easy and for the first time I actually started to consider maybe just maybe letting someone in.

After talking to him and listening to the things (lines) he feed me, I did drop my guard. Faster and farther down then I have ever dropped my guard before. I opened myself up and made myself completely and utterly 100% venerable.

Big Freaking Mistake!

Of course…this is me we are talking about, so you know exactly what happened. It ended. Badly. To be honest it still hurts to think about it. I am not yet ready to say how it ended, but not well. And I don't know if I will fully recover from this one. As I said, I've been hurt a lot before,  but never lead on and screwed over so badly by a friend & lover. I think he pretty much took the last trust I had.

I know people say that I’ll get over it, but I also know me. It took me so much to open up to him. The stuff that he told me, I have never been so lied to & lead on in my life by a friend and let’s face it, if a friend can do that so easily to me....shit.

I still can’t get over the BS crap that he said to me. If I was that type of person I would tell you all the crap he said to me. Because it is all still there in my phone via txt messages and Facebook messages, but to be honest, it would just hurt too much and I am trying to keep from feeling anymore pain right now.

It just makes me so angry. How stupid was I to actually believer him & trust him! I though he was my friend. I thought he was a good honest person. I didn't realize how much of a snake he was lying to my face so easily, in front of all our friends. Completely uncaring of any pain that he knew he was going to cause me. 

I'm mad at him, but I guess in all reality I'm really mad at myself for falling for another guy who ended up being no different than any of the other ones. For letting my guard down and actually opening up and for just the plain fact that I didn't see it! WTF is wrong w/ me?! Do I have a giant flashing sign on my forehead that says "gullible loser...screw over here"

I has been a few weeks…usually I would be so over it right now, but I swear to god I'm fucking broken. I think that I am just one of those people who is destine to not be in a relationship. That is ok right, there is always bag therapy!

Sadly, I don't think I will ever open up to someone like that again. I never had before & I am damn sure I won't again. 

I Think I am in LOVE

And no, it is not with a man! LOL.  But I had you going for a second didn’t I?!

No its Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Some of my friends have been telling me that I should try BJJ for a while now and to be honest I have been a little timid about it. I have wanted to, but I have just been scared. So about 2 weeks ago at a dinner party with some friends, I brought it up, saying I wanted to do it but was nervous. Of course one of my friends (who is also one of the BJJ instructor) said, “well why don’t you”. I said, I didn’t know how comfortable I would be, being that close to a guy and blah blah blah…the normal fear filled excuses that I give myself every time I sit watching them do it. Of course, they all encouraged me to try it.

But let’s be honest, I already run, I do kickboxing, and I do boot camp...no that is not the problem, the problem is what if I totally suck at it? I hate failing at things, and I am just now getting decent at kickboxing, maybe I should just focus on that. BUT I want to try it, it looks fun and even though I do all the other stuff…I feel trapped, like something is missing and none of those thing release it. I want to hit something and sparing is just out of the question (for now), I like my pretty face!

Anywho, the next week one of my friends came up to me and handed me a brand new mouth guard (purple – my fav color) and said that he really though I should try it and that I would like it so he got this for me. I smiled…how could I say no to that! I didn’t get to try it that week…but I did try it this week.

AND HOLY MOLY I freaking loved it! What a rush!  I may suck at it, but it relaxed me and helped me to find a zen that I don’t find with anything else. I have to think, fight, and think…it is great! I know I know…I said think twice, but you do! It is mental and physical!

My trainer took me through the starting set up of how you do it and some basic moves, blocks and things. And I even got a chance to roll with 2 of the guys at my Kung Fu School and it was amazing! A-FREAKING-Mazing!!! The fear of being that close to a man and trapped…didn’t bother me at all, I guess because I trust the guys that I train with and I wasn’t actually half bad…for my first time. LOL. Don’t worry, I know they were being nice to me and taking it easy on me.

I always thought it was for guys…and seeing one or two other girls do it gave me courage, I should have listened to my trainers and friends sooner, I feel like I could have been doing this for much longer. Either way, I am glad I finally found it, I am glad I finally stepped up and did it and I am glad that I found something to offer me a peace that I didn’t have before. Somewhere to take out my aggression more (sometime the bag just isn’t enough) and something to completely challenge my mind!

I woke up sore as hell the next day and covered in bruises and I loved every one of them! I can’t wait until next Thursday so I can do it again and again and again! There may only be 7 days in the week, but I wish there were 8 just so I could do BJJ 2 days instead of just one!!!

I don’t know which I like more, the mental aspect or the physical aspect…but I love it and I plan on doing it every week from now on! :) I am already looking forward to Next Thursday!

June AB-TASTIC Workout

I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but for me abs are the absolute hardest. I feel that no matter how much I try and how many crunches, sit-ups suitcases, whatever I do, it doesn't make a difference!

So here is what I plan on doing for the month of June, feel free to join in and do it too. Give those abs a little bit of an extra workout.

I know I want a 6 pack! LOL

I'm not a strong girl...I'm just strong!

Postman just dropped of the mail at work. He Put it down in the wrong location. Since hes new & its raining out, i figured I'd be nice & just moved it so he didn't have to. I move the first container over as he heads out w/ our outgoing mail. 

I go back for the big box.  Mid carrying the big box to the mail room he said from around the corner "leave the box there, it's really heavy, ill bring the dolly back to move it" 

I debated putting it back down so he wouldn't feel bad, but I was already moving, can't stop now! 

He looks back around the corner for my response and goes: "oh man, your strong"

Chicks can be buff too, don't underestimate this little lady!!! 

I'm not a strong girl...I'm just strong! 

BiG Cardio 5K

A little back story first:

The first…well I guess second 5K that I ever ran and the first one in S. Florida was the 4Kids of South Florida BiG Cardio 5K. My first officially 5K was back in 2007 when and I did it with my college.

 

When I moved the Florida, I ended up have to take a really crap job that paid well below standard in my field and hardly even meet living standards in general, so I for sure didn’t have the money to pay for a gym membership or anything…so I started running as a way for me to stay in shape. Well running and not being able to afford food kept me pretty small. LOL.

I would ran with Jake (my dbf – dog best friend) about a mile or two every night after work and then I would do a few weights in the house, but nothing major and I went from being in pretty good shape to being in…eh shape.

About 3 months after I left the crap job and stared working at Banyan in 2010 I heard about a 5K race that Banyan sponsored a team for, and for some reason I thought how hard can it be right…I run with Jake every night a mile or so…a 5K is only 3.15 miles. I can do this.

Boy was I mistaken. Yes, I ran the whole thing, but boy was I crap. My time back in 2010 was a pathetic 36 min. I could have basically walked the entire thing and done better.

Anyway. That was in 2010…lets fast forward.

2011 my time was 32:17

2012 my time was 27:12

Now it was 2013 and I was ready to do this. I signed up again…after some debate and the Puerto Rico Half Marathon talk falling though. I would have rather done the Half Marathon in Puerto Rico, but not enough people wanted to go and to do it alone would have made me a very broke girl!

I did it with two on my close girlfriends and although neither of them worked for Banyan, I signed them both up under the Banyan Wings of Hope Team. Funny Things is that out of the 6 people that did participate in the 4Kids, 2 of them were my friends.

So this year, I was really ready to push myself. Not only have I been doing well lately and setting pretty good times, I was feeling good. I had talked my friend into running her first 5K ever…and honestly, I was pretty sure she was going to not only kick my butt, but everyone else’s…girl can run!

We all managed to drag our butts out of bed. We all meet up at the park. We walked around for a bit and decided we would try to pace around 7 min (this is my new goal, since I want to get under 22). And I managed to keep that pace for the most part…I failed a bit towards the end, but all 3 of us still KICKED BUTT!

We each came in first in our age groups!

I came in this year at a time of 22:50. Not the best time I have had recently, but it was good enough to take the gold. After freaking 4 years of doing this race, damn it has become like a tradition for me….and for my friend, who did her 3 year this year. Even though it is not our favorite race, we always seem to run it, and I think we may also do it again next year.

This year the swag was much better and it was much more organized. Last year when we finished the race, they didn’t even have cold water out at the finish line yet or any of the tents set up. But this year, they had their shiznit a little more together.

 

Besides all the religious crap that people kept trying to hand me, it wasn’t too bad, and afterwards I went and put flyers for JWKFA in the cars. Trying to promote my awesome ass kickboxing place as always!

Either way it was a good time and I finally got some good swag at the run!
 

My next race is the Color Run and I am doing it with some friends from JWKFA. I didn’t actually sign up for it because I thought that it was on the same day as the 4Kids, but it wasn’t and someone else bailed and they had an extra entry, so why not.

M.A.D.D. Dash 5K

I wasn’t planning on signing up for any more races in April. One was enough since I am busy licking the wounds of turning 30 and seeing my life going nowhere fast, but my girl really wanted to do it, so I finally caved and signed up! I am on a mission to do 24 races this year right…and if my life is going to turn to shit and fall into shambles at least I have that accomplishment right! LOL

We did the M.A.D.D. Dash last year and it was a nice run, but it is the same course as almost every other race we do in Ft. Lauderdale…I would like something different for a change I think, but whatever.  They did give us “Dry-Fit” shirts this year, but they are unisex and TOTALLY sux! OMG, I can’t even wear mine to bed because it is just uncomfortable.  IDK, I will just toss it in a pile with my ever growing stash of running shirts and move on.

You know what I would like…for them to start giving away Dry-fit Tank Tops or running shorts or something like that! I have so many shirts, I could start a shirt shop!!!

Anyway…back to the race, this was now my first race in the 30 – 34 age group. OMG that just sounds horrible! I don’t even want to write that.  They say age is just a number, well however they are is stupid and needs to come over here so I can hit them!

We got there nice and early and this time, my mum got to come with me! That is right, she has only been to one other race with me and that was the Jingle Bell Jog last December where I am pretty sure I left what was left of my tits after they froze off!  I was really happy to have her at one of my races, and it kinda encouraged me to push myself just that much harder. I wanted to make her proud of me, since I remember when she told me “Don’t worry Chloé, if you don’t do that well”

Well, even though I am now…over the hill…so to speak, I still managed to do ok. I set a new PR at 22:18 & placed 1st in my age group (Now 30 - 34). Maybe getting older isn’t all that bad! JK. It is horrible. Who ever said that should also be hit!

So regardless of what I say, I am pretty proud of myself, and the fact that I totally impressed my mum! She was all, Wow Chloé you are getting pretty good at this running thing!

That I am Mother, That I Am!

Even though I did do very well, I am disappointed in my overall results.  I came in 4th Overall Female & missed 3rd overall female by 1 (that right 1) bloody second. Her time was 22:17. Ugh!!!   SO CLOSE! I am just too damn competitive sometimes!

I really want to pick it up and have decided to add a new goal to 2013. I want to drop my time below 22! I would like to get to 21something, even if it is 21:59 by the end of the year. I don’t know if I will be able to do it, because dropping just a few seconds off my time is going to be hard as hell, but I want to try. It actually looks like it might be possible!