A Floridian Girls "Winter" Morning

I live in Florida, SOUTH Florida, and as a South Floridian I'm not use to it being below 65 (at night). We do get our "winter" down here. Usually a few weeks of low 50s high 40s (at night)...this is where we are right now. 

The awesome part is the AC is off for the month (maybe two) & we get to air out the house, plus my dog LOVES it (when he has his jacket on - spoiled mutt).

Last night it dropped into the low 40s this morning. After my morning walk with the dog, I was convinced I'd permanently lost feeling in my extremities. In my excitement to get warm, I decide to I burned the FUCK outta my mouth. 

Well that's not exactly how it happened. Bloody tea!! What was I thinking was, "oh, this feels nice in my hands. They are warming up slowly & regaining feeling, I should warm my insides up" 

Nope scorching agony as I scold the inside of my mouth & esophagus as I try to spit it out & swollow it at the same time. Anything to stop the pain. 

Now the I side off my mouth is swollen & I have taken up mumbling to communicate to the world. Oh joy. 

The Floridian's Winter

So what I love about Florida, well I guess there are so few things that it is pretty easy to guess. Yup you got it in one THE WEATHER! 

 That is right, these past few weeks while the rest of the US has been in negative temperatures and under like 10 feet of snow, I have been relaxing in a nice 80's. The fact that last weekend I got a TAN doing a race in January :)  that is why I moved here, and that is why I stay.

 It has actually just gotten cold today with a frosty 55! eeek!

But you can always tell the tourist this time of year. On a day like today, locals (people who have lived here long enough for their blood to thin) are dressed like they are in the arctic, gloves, scarfs, hats, thick coats with the fur around the hood, boots, wool socks...the works...it is 50 outside folks...don't forget. 

And I am not mocking them, no I am dressed just like them! I have thick pants on, even slipper socks on while at work under my heels. I wore 2 sweaters today to work plus a jumper! Nope, I am just like them...although I don't have the thick coat with the fur around the hood...I just can't bring myself to buy one when we only have about 5 days a year we could wear it and not look like a complete  idiot.

 Tourists on the other had are walking around in shorts, flip flops and shirts packing their coolers before heading off to the beach for an afternoon of 'catching some rays'. Just looking at them makes me cold! I am over here debating if I should buy a cheap space heater from Walmart and they are buying beach towels. 

We are not built for cold. Heck, there are places down here that doesn't even have heat! Even my dog wouldn't go outside this morning without his little coat on. He walked outside when I put his leash on and turned right back around and went in the house. He gave me this look that basically said "HELL NO bitch it is cold out there, I need my jacket!"

 Then I get to work and see some girls walking through the lobby in short short short shorts and summer light weight shirts with sandals.

 I am convinced that our blood just thins living down here, because even as I type this, my fingers have gone numb...and I have to go get tea so I can hold my cup and warm them up!

 But that is us Floridians.....

The Fall of Facebook

I remember when Facebook came out, I was already on MySpace (oh yes MySpace), I was in college and social media was just amazing!! So new, awesome posts, awesome updates, a great place to express yourself,  people would post the funniest things and I would check it constantly....

As I got older my step mum joined...and my aunts and uncles...and then my grandparents and they all wanted to friend me. Dear GOD we are family, isn't that enough. But you can't ignore them forever, they would ask "why haven't you accepted my friend request yet" and I realized...ummm this may not be the place I want to go to post things about my personal life anymore.

I did eventually friend them and put them ALL into a restricted group, along with my co-workers and the random people that I would run into a few times at the bar and become acquaintances with. I block them from pretty much everything, and for a while Facebook went back to being a fun way to keep up with my friends.

And then companies wanted to know your social media profiles and they began to use it as a way to dig into your personal life and cross over that line between work and personal. Thankfully my privacy walls were already up full force thanks to the family invasion that had happened earlier

A few more year pass and Facebook, and probably myself and my friends become lame (they get married, have kids, no more wild parts and hilarious weekend extravaganza posts) and I slow began to lose interest.  

Now I get on Facebook about once a day, just in the hopes that someone posted something good. I scroll down the news feed for about 3 minutes while I take my morning crap and then I am done for the day....at least with my personal page. 

 Lucky me, I get to go to work and handle the social media for my job, which is kinda cool...considering how much Facebook (and so many other social media sites) have either given up, fallen victim or just sold out the the business world. 

 Sadly, No one posts anything relevant...just pictures of their pathetic kids (and lets get real people, no one cares about your kids...only you and your parents) or re-posts from other pages, and not other peoples pages, but other promotional pages, news pages, celebrity pages, fitness pages, TV show pages, etc. Lets be real, We ALL hate those re-posts of other sites. It seems that is all people do all the time. Every time I see one I just think to myself. If I wanted to see that shit, I would follow that page...come up with something original or don't post at all. And then I log out of Facebook and onto something else. 

Sadly, this isn't Facebooks fault. it is the people on Facebook. They actually think that you are going to like something and NOT already be following it and it suddenly becomes their obligation to shove it down your throat! WHAT JOY!

So that is how I have seen Facebook fall since I joined way, way, way back in College.

Tonbridge U.K. 5K - AKA The Run of the Ice Age

While on vacation in the UK (attending the Doctor Who 50th Celebration & visiting family), I decided it would be fun to sign up & do a 5K. You know, different weather, different terrain, why not, I can't do all my running on Florida flats forever. Hell our idea of a hill is over a bridge!!

So after some looking around I came across this site, ParkRun.org. They offer weekly FREE 5Ks all over Great Britain! 

*Can I just say, why the hell don't we offer that in the US? Free weekly runs would be awesome!*

I find a local one near my Uncle, I send him a quick email to make sure he'd be available to take me and I sign up...ready for my first run outside the U.S.

We land in England & for a girl who has spent the last 5 years in Florida where it doesn't get below 50 year round I almost died walking off that plane! Now I have lived in upstate NY, the Mountains of VA & the wasteland of STL MO, but being in S. FL has spoiled me!! I remembered in theory what cold was, but my body had forgotten! 

I did try to run almost every day of my trip. I even managed to get a 2 mile run done in the middle of London (Kings Cross) which I'm sure caused a few people to look. But once we got to my families (Burgess Hill) I found a nice 5 like route that even passed by a park so I could do push ups, jumping jacks, Burpees, squats etc. being on vacation is no reason to get lazy.

So race day finally rolled around I was pretty sure I was ready to do this. I didn't expect a PR, but I was confident I would do OK. I'd talked my cousin Kim into doing it with me. One of the real nice things...the race started at 9:30 am, so no 5 am wake up call. But it was cold & wet & muddy!!! And I was decked out in a long sleeve rash guard and long runner compression pants (Skins - love them) and everyone around me was in shorts and shirts. Were they mad? Was I mad? What was going on here, because it was cold...like COLD! I wasn't a complete mad hatter as my cousin also had cold weather running apparel on, but dear god these other people, completely loons if you ask me!

The race started off fine. Only a 5K quick and dirty full on run it out race, but about a mile in this Florida girl started to feel it.

First my noes & fingers went. No worries, you don't need that to run. 

Then my toes stated to numb and the little voice inside my head asking why I was running in sub zero temperatures started to get louder and louder until she was SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER AT ME. By the time I hit the turn to circle back every breath I took racked the back of my throat & in pure agony. I was terrified to spit encase I'd see blood! Yes that's right, I'd convinced myself that the cold air had ripped apart my insides & I swore I could taste the blood trickling down my throat into my esophagus and down to my tummy.

But that wasn't the worst. Besides being 85% sure at least one toe had fallen off  if not two, I could no longer feel my legs. At any moment I was going to topple forward, over roll over, & see my legs burying themselves under some dead leaves for warmth. I kept checking to not only make sure they were still there but also still moving & not just bricks of ice.

WELL YOU BETTER PICK IT UP NOW YOU MORON the voice inside my head kept screaming at me and all I could do was respond with, "I can't pick it up, I only have 9 toes and am losing blood at what I am sure is a very disturbing rate inside my mouth!"

Pushing myself forward I knew I was almost there, and crossing the finish line I wanted to just keep running to a car...with the heat on full blast...and just sit in it, never to emerge again!

But I did well, I actually managed to come in 2nd Female and 1st in my age group. No prizes or medals or anything, but the fact that when I did take off my shoes and check I had all 10 toes was prize enough.

I love the fact that I did a race outside the U.S. and I hope to do many more all over the world, but I will have to remember that not everywhere has weather like we do in South Florida! 

Classic Chloé Moments - Me v/s TV

I seem spend my life on the go go go. I never seem to stop moving, so last night when I finally had a plan free evening to relax w/ Jakearoni & my TV I was stocked! 

Saturday had been a long day for me already, I was up at 6 am for the Fight for Air 5K (which I crushed btw) then it was off to work. Did a little BJJ training, then taught kickboxing, Dim Sum w/ my friend...let's just say I needed a "do nothing" evening.

I got a bottle of mid-grade Pinot Noir (I'm a broke girl), cooked up a delicious chicken dinner & sank into my couch of lost hope. I flipped on the TV & started catching up on my way too full DVR, shows going back 2-3 weeks, it was gonna be a good night. 

But you know me, I can't sit still for too long before the box of Halloween decorations that I pulled out of the closet earlier was starting to stare at me. So after failing to ignore it, I got up and figured I would just set up a few of the decoration around the house...get the season started. 

After about an hour...somehow the decorations led to sweeping and moping the floor, dusting everything in sight and of course cleaning up all the dishes, I was feeling done & grabbed my now second glass of wine and sat back down. 

Suddenly my AT&T remote wasn't working. 

WTF!? Did I somehow un-program it while in my cleaning frenzy? OK, no problem...I go to the remote setup. Manual..input all the codes...volume still not working. Odd. I try the automatic remote setup...volume still not working. Curious. I tried all the codes again...volume still not working. Bizzar. I look at the remote...it's an S4, set up says it is for a S1 thur S3 series, so I Google it...maybe I'm missing something. Nope, S4 series is also like S1-S3. So I try the automatic set up again. Nada. Seriously. I try the codes yet a-fucking-gain...volume still not working. 

By this time, I'm starting to get pissed. Are the batteries dying? Is this new remote ATT sent 2 weeks ago already jacked up (my last one finally died and I had to replace it)? Is my TV evil? Does God hate me!!!???

So I change the batteries...nothing. 
Starting to convince myself that I am just missing something obvious, I grab the TV remote...& this is where things get twisted...the TV remote is also not working. What The Hell Is Going On!!!??? I never use the TV remote...batteries are fresh in BOTH remotes. Yup I am going mad.

Well my night has gone from relaxing to frustrating. I can still stop, pause, fast forward, view recordings, turn the TV on & off...screw it. My second glass of wine quickly turns into a third as I get more and more obsessed with this freaking remote. I can't relax, it is just driving me crazy, why is the volume not working. I worked an hour ago. 

Knowing that I am working myself towards a psychotic break, I force myself to give up. I don't know, maybe it will randomly start working again tomorrow. I find the volume on the actual TV, adjust it & after an HOUR AND HALF of messing with it. I just watch TV. By now it's 10:30 & I'm falling asleep on the couch so I sleep walk myself to bed. Plus, I can't stop thinking about the dame remote!

This morning after my run I sit on the couch to enjoy my tea & watch some news before heading to the gym. 

The volume is STILL NOT WORKING. As I quickly dust around my TV (yes, I like things clean..so what) something hits me...I put a Halloween decoration right in front if the center of the TV. A foam zombie zone sign...could that be blocking the censor? 

Test...yup..facepalm. IDIOT! 

Classic Chloe! 

Handywoman I am Not

Nothing like sitting watching TV in your living room when the overhead light suddenly goes out. 

Saved by the light glow from the TV, I carefully navigate to the closet to retrieve a new light bulb. Carrying the step-stool in one hand, light bulb in the other & a screwdriver in my mouth, I am proud to report that I only step on 2 dog  bones on my way back. 

I put the stool down, put on the kitchen light, fat lotta good that did as it only illuminates the kitchen sending no light around the corner to the living room where I am trapped in darkness. 

Realizing that this is going to be a blind mission, I head up the stool. I unscrew the glass dome around the light...change it, feeling much like a handywoman only to be rewarded with continuous darkness. 

Back and forth I go, light bulb, switch, switch, light bulb, am I missing something...5 min pass light, switch, switch, light....Check the fuse box...they all seem to be switched on. try a new light bulb, switch, light bulb, switch, new light bulb switch, fuse box again, switch again,...fuck, it's gadda be the wiring in the overhead ceiling fan. I believe I will need a new one. 

Fuck it, after the AC ordeal this week, I'm beyond stressed & tired & drained!!! I'm pouring a glass of wine & watching family guy in the dark! Screw it, I will just get a new bloody fan when the weekend (and payday) rolls around.

Off to work the next day, I leave my roommate with a note saying that something is wrong with the ceiling fan and I will get a new one this weekend. I spend the entire day venting about how frustrated I am that the stupid light when out and how I not only changed the light bulb and it didn't work, but I tried an entire box of light bulbs...so logical conclusion...it is the fan. 

I look on Lowe's and The Home Depot, getting prices for fans and budgeting out how much I have left after my AC leaked all over the place and I had to get someone in to do apparently what should be done yearly. Not much left in the bank, but I can't spend the next month in darkness ever time I am home. 

So Friday night finally rolls around and I plan to go tomorrow after training to The Home Depot, I figured out what one I was going to get and it was on sale and I was just going to bite the bullet and do without the luxury of extra food for the next week. 

A few friends come over for a Friday night nightcap and I am still on and on about this bloody ceiling fan and how frustrated I am at the whole situation, in between laughs one of my friends says, well did you try switching the fuse off and then on again.

Stunned that this is really an option obviously I had not. My friend goes to the fuse box, turns the switch off and then back on again and miraculously the light shines bright! Seriously, did I just sit in the dark for pretty much a week because of this. DEAR GOD, sometimes I swear I am a blond trapped in a brunettes body! How did no one think to suggest this to me before? 

Sometimes I wonder how I manage to even get dressed in the morning. So after this week, I realized Handywoman I am not...but I kinda already knew that one.  

The Life of a Single Fit Girl

I don't really date much, not that I don't want to and cannot, but S. FL is full of guys that will say whatever they need to just to get into your pants, then proceed to be shocked that you felt lead-on or whatever. And considering my luck with guys in the past even when I do try (let's just say ZERO winners in my past) I don't bother. I don't have the time, energy or patients to deal with it anymore. 

Well the news of my singleness for over a year now has managed to get around a company full of people that I don't really talk to in general and definitely don't talk to about my personal life. 

Some have asked me out, others have asked why, a few offered to set me up, I even have one gentleman who often tells me he is praying for me to find a boyfriend so I don't have to be alone anymore...Oh joy! Just what I want. Lol. 

Anyway, this often leads to interesting comments, questions and discussions that I would honestly rather not be involved in. The latest conversations was a prime example: 

Co-worker asked: are a lot of guys too intimidated to ask you out? 

Me: umm, IDK, why?

Co-worker: cuz you're big, like your arms. they are almost the size as mine, but just more cut. 

Me: haha. Umm maybe, they don't ask me out. I don't really know.

Co-worker: so you wouldn't date a couch potato that has a beer gut. 

Me: umm, we wouldn't really have much in common, so probably not.

Co-worker: what if he had a really nice personality.

Me: but I focus a lot of my life on fitness, i'd want him to like that kinda stuff to so we could do some of it together. 

Co-worker: so you only date bodybuilder type big guys

Me: god no! Guys with my build.

Co-worker: oh ok. So now that you are all in shape & stuff, why do you keep working out? 

Me: really? 

Co-worker: yeah, are you ever gonna stop?

Me: No, I really enjoy working out & I wouldn't keep this body if I stopped exercising. 

Co-worker: oh ok. 

I'd think he was hitting on my but he's married, wife & kids. But so strange. Although, this is the same guy that said I look and dress like a dude a few months back. 

The Dreaded "Fly Down"

Because I workout a lot, I always try to stay hydrated & thanks to drinking a million oz of water a day...I spend a lot of time running back and forth to the restroom. I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I have some kinda problem. 

Today, on my regular hourly restroom visit...I rush down the hall, jog into the bathroom & do my business. I browse my phone for a few min & get in some good old social media & web surfing time. 

Then I wash up & exit per usual. I head back to my office to pick up my now empty water bottle & teacup to make my rounds & refill. 

I wonder out into the hangar to get ice, stopping by the front desk & line service area on the way. I then wonder over to the water fountain & fill up as I gaze headlong into the distance watching customers & on my way back to my office I get more tea. Ppl stop by my office & joke...but it's not until 40 min later (right b4 my next urgent bathroom break) that I realize!!! 

Damn!!! My bloody FLY IS DOWN!!! I was just walking around, flashing everyone my cheetah underwear!!! NOOOO, not my 80s animal kinky sexy underwear!

My fellow co-workers did not need to know that I'm all porn star under this business attire!

The business world & midnight stripper worlds collide. 

*Bad, you dirty dirty girl!!!*

The Aerosol Hairspray Incident...

So we usually have deodorant at work in our bathrooms....and hair spray, lotion, mouth wash & tampons. It's a bit clammy in here today since the AC has been on the fritz. I'm not sweating & I'm in a dress, so I'm not super hot, but I went to use the restroom & while washing my hands I figured, um, I should just spray some on...just to be safe. 

So I unzip the front of my dress thinking. I shoulda gone into the handicap stall...knowing my luck someone will walk in.  To late now to go for the bathroom stall, I spray under my left arm. Something doesn't smell quite right...I look down. 

Apparently I had proceeded to spray hairspray on my armpit.

I look around. The deodorant isn't there...we musta run out. 

Seriously! Now my left armpit is super sticky. 

Water you say: 

I thought about it...but didn't want to leave the front of my dress unzipped any longer. Or wipe off the deodorant that's already...now...plastered to my armpit. 

Face Meets Wall

I, like many others, am completely addicted to pushing my body to the brink. Nothing like getting up out of bed after an intense workout the night before and feeling pain. Its a good pain and I look forward to it. 

This morning was no different, after 3 days of just non stop intense workouts, I woke up and I was so so so SOOOOO sore to!

I hobbled out of bed and stiff legged it over to the bathroom. I went to sit on the toilet this & BAM, my legs gave out.

In a pathetic attempt to catch myself and grab something anything to hold myself up, I had to make a drastic play w/ my flailing arms...only to realize that my arms are just as sore as my legs, which resulted in an extremely non-elegant  face-plant to the wall.

I look up, check sliding down the wall, hand on the floor since it was of no help in saving me and a partial buttock on the toilet only to see my dog looking at me head cocked to one side with an expression that said: dude, mum, your an idiot!

So it's a good morning. I'm now sitting at my desk now wanting to get a cup of tea, but debating if its really worth the agonizing pain that will shoot down my legs as I attempt to get up and waddle to the break room....as of right now, I am thinking it is not!

Scrubbing Bubbles v/s Cockroach

Before you go out of town for the holidays, one thing I always do is clean my house.

Tuesday night I come home and after a nice 2 hour workout I decide to clean my house before heading out of town for the holidays. I open up all the doors and start the cleaning.

I did the laundry, dishes, cleaned the kitchen, dusted the living room, swept the floor and mopped...finally I was done, the downstairs looked good.

I poured a glass of wine and went upstairs, thinking to myself that I was going to fold and put away my cloths  and quickly clean the bathroom before jumping into the shower.

Cloths away I head to the bathroom for the finally! Sitting down to go to the bathroom, I look around...monitoring what needs to be done. Suddenly my eyes land on what I assume is a cockroach. (OK, it may not have been a cockroach, but I freaking HATE bugs and any 6 legged creatures that isn't an ant or have wings is a cockroach.)

I understand bugs in houses, but how the hell did this thing get into my bathroom!!

I sit motionless on the pot... afraid to move not wanting to draw unwanted attention to myself. I scan the bathroom for something to kill the creature with when my eyes fall on the can of Scrubbing Bubbles that I had pulled out to clean the bathroom.

Taking careful aim, I empty about 1/4 of the can onto the freaking thing...die MF die...and, still sitting on the pot, wait for the bubbles to die down with a huge wad of TP in my hand.

As the bubbles pop I can finally see the bug twitching under the suds and I toss the wad down on top of it and proceed to smash the roach to death with the Scrubbing Bubbles can (so gratefully for Scrubbing Bubbles!)

Now that I had successfully defeated the roach, I turn my focus back to cleaning. I clean the tub, sink, counter, toilet and floor. I debate cleaning the shower, but I had done it the other day and I spray it down after every use with diluted bleach...so I figure - na, I'm good.

Feeling dirty and ready to crawl into bed and finally finish my glass of wine...which I am sure has warmed up since I came upstairs, I quickly strip and climb into the shower.

As I begin to wash my face I look around and see a baby cockroach crawling up the shower door (ok, again maybe not a roach...it was a 6 legged tiny black thing with a red strip on its back, but as I said...all 6 legged things that aren't ants and don't have wings are roaches)

I throw the shower door open and grab the Scrubbing Bubbles can again and go to town on the baby roach. Which I am sure is pissed the hell off at me for killing his daddy 10 min ago.

With the baby now killed I lean down to put the can on the floor...might as well clean the shower since it is in here now...and I look to the left corner. There are like 7 more of these little bastards plotting my death for murdering their kin! Where the F' did all these baby's come from, how did they get into my shower and What the hell is going on here!

Freaked out and unable to contain my in-dept fear of bugs I finally spaz. I stumble (not so gracefully) out of the shower and end up on my butt looking into my shower. The freaking things doesn't just have 7 bugs in there it has like freaking 70 (that may be a little bit of a dramatized number, but I was traumatized at the time)! And I was in there NAKED! EEEK!

I go insane, I spray the army of baby roaches with Scrubbing Bubbles and Diluted Bleach. I spend a good 10 mins killing and cleaning my shower and fighting to get my heart rate under 200 I succeed.

I go downstairs, dig out the Big Ass bottle of commercial bug killer and go back upstairs.

I spray the crap out of my shower...thinking, ummm this can not be good for me. I then spray the rest of the damn house. Freaking bugs!

Finally done, I change and get into bed....I turn on the TV, pick a show to watch and sit back. I lean over to pick up my glass of wine and there is a freaking MOTH in it, having some kind of seizure!

Really. Can't I just get a break!!!

Or maybe I just need to really invest in some screens for my doors ASAP! HAHA

Me and Toilets Just DON'T Mix!

I had to pee so bad (been drinking a TON of water today)...so I scuttled to the ladies room and hurried into the stall. Not looking, I pulled my pants down and sat down, I FREAKING FELL IN and cracked my tail bone! The damn seat was up! WTF, I appreciate the fact that they clean the bathrooms, but can they put the seat down afterwards! It is the ladies room!! I don't know many ladies that need the seat up when they go to the rest room...so why is it left up!

How horrible is it to fall into the toilet at work? My butt was all wet and I had to whip it off with that cheap ass toilet paper that kept breaking apart and leaving bits of TP on my butt! 

So gross.  At least it was clean! But...ugh! So gross!!!!

Now I smell that cleaning solution that they use in the bathroom now...while sitting in my office. I wonder if other people who come in to talk to me can smell it to...and I wonder what they think...possible "WOW Chloe, you are really clean!" 

LOL :)

                                     *   *   *   *

Oh and I forgot to mention that I have been putting Bobbi Brown oil free lotion on my face all day, because it is still raw from the wind during the Half on Sunday...So after cleaning off my now sparkling butt, I go out to SCRUB my hands and see a GLOB of the white lotion on my eyelid! I looked very inappropriate. UMMM. How long has that lotion been there looking like...use your imagination...and no one told me! embarrassing to say the least, and I am crossing my fingers that it wasn't long. Or everyone in the office may start to think of me in a different way!

Really....Why do these things always happen to me!??

You can read about my other fun Toilet Trips on my last fun blog.

South Florida Drivers = A DAMN TRIP

 Driving in South Florida is seriously a trip. This is like a melting pot from people all over the world, and many of them should not have licences to begin with and even more are uninsured!

I have lived all over the country, and Florida is in the top 3 worst places to drive! People down here are seriously insane!

1. We have young people fresh from the islands and South America that hop off a plane and into a car without a second thought and many of them do not speak English. I don't understand how you are going to read all our street signs and highway alerts if you don't know the language...you don't. I don't go to France or Italy hop in a car and drive around!
2. We have (like everywhere) a bunch of stupid teenage drivers who have had their license for less than 6 months. Um if your kid is not getting As & Bs in cars, they are probably not smart enough to drive around a 2 ton death trap...just saying. High school is so not that hard. I slept though half of it and didn't even go to the other half and graduate in the top percentile of my class!
3. Being that this is truly the snowbird state, we have a bunch of blue haired old woman and men who can't even see over the steering wheel, do 45 on the highway in the fast lane and leave their blinker on for hours!You can see how much of a snowbird state this is by checking out my blog My Evil Mind about my flight back from New Jersey in the beginning of winter. OMG.
4. Well damn, South Florida is a big area. We have a lot of people crammed into this wonderful paradise! Who doesn't want to live here, the beaches, the sun, the men! But a lot of people just means a lot of stupid people who shouldn't have a licence to begin with. I swear we should A) not provide drivers test in multiple languages and B) not make it so damn easy C) Not let you keep taking it even though you have failed 50 times! DAMN MAN!
5. And don't even get me started on the school buses and construction..ugh...

I could list for ages about how everywhere...and especially here have horrible drivers...but I'm leaving my main point behind.....

So when my friend sent me this email about Florida drivers, I had to share!  I wish I knew who had come up with this list originally, because I would give them props, but sadly...I do not :(

Driving in South Florida

1. First, you must learn how to pronounce the name; it is "FLAAAAARIDA".

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On I-95 your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is grounds to run you off the road while giving you the finger.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Florida has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, SUV cell phone-talking-soccer moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

 

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Florida. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting

8. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.

9. Merge means race like a madman and cut the person in line off or better yet --- run them off the road.

10. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands and generously apply suntan lotion on your left arm.

11. If you are going to yell anything out the window, make sure it is in Spanish or Creole.

 I wish I could just give a thumbs up to every single one of those! Cuz damn so true, so sad, so funny

Really don't mess with us. South Florida is CRAZY! Hell we just had a man eat another persons face off!!!  :)

Real Friends Help you Move Bodies!

Sometimes I have the strangest dreams that make me wake up and wonder…what the heck is wrong with me! Well last night was one of those nights and I really did wake up and say “What the Heck is Wrong with Me!!”

The dream starts:

My friends (Kristin, Shirley and Rosi) and I are going to the football stadium. The Miami Dolphins are doing a pre-season 10K race before the first game. Each team (of 4) got a catered lunch, t-shirts, tickets to the first game of the season and some other stuff.

We stand in line at the packet pick-up table, waiting while everyone checks in and picks out their seats for the football game later. Ironically it is Dr. House behind the counter handing out the packets. He is telling everyone how depressed he is that his show (House) has been cancelled and how pissed he is that he has to now do crap like this instead. Personally, I didn’t care and I just asked for an autograph. 

Instead of handing us a bag with our number and t-shirt in it like normal, they hand us a big red wagon with a 12 ft x 12 ft box in it. It takes all of us to drag this huge box back to the car. We look at each other and start laughing, really what the heck cold be in the box! We set the box next to the car figuring once we are done with the race we will come back here, enjoy the catered lunch and relax after the game and figure out what is inside the box.

We start the race and for some reason none of us can run as fast as normal. It feels like weights are holding us down as people rush past us and it is so humid outside it’s like running in hell! Sweat pouring from us it takes us hours…HOURS to finish the race.

As we drag ourselves across the finish line, we come in last place. Almost everyone had cleared out and the event hosts are in the process of breaking everything down. We ask after some water and our lunch because by this time we are starving and they say everything we would need is in the box.

We make our way back to our car…exhausted and open the box. Inside we find: water, a catered lunch (all laid out on a table) meddles, t-shirts, snacks to take home, a bunch of goodies and a dead waitress, the waitress who was going to cater our lunch after the race. It took us so long to complete the run that she died in the box in the heat!

Of course we start to freak out! What the hell are we going to do! We have a dead waitress lying next to us, her blank eyes staring up into the sky. We start to debate if this is our fault or not.  We look around to make sure that no one has noticed this dead body fall out of the box. Thankfully the coast is clear. None of us want to get in trouble; it is not our fault she died! I mean really, who would put someone in a box anyway and who would agree to be put into a box! One of us (I can’t remember who) comes up with the plan or putting her into the soup to get rid of the body.

**Yes our catered lunch for some reason came with a steaming hot cauldron of soup.**

So working as a team we all collect sticks (ironically not substantial sticks but more like little twigs) and proceed to push this dead waitress into the cauldron of soup. This crazy dead woman is heavy and it takes us forever to push her in. As each of us gets sweaty we step back to rest. After like an hour, she finally splashes into the pot and I poke down her leg that is sticking out. We look around again to just make sure that no one is watching…

…and then I woke up. Really, WTH is worng with me! On my way to work I told my mum the story. She just laughed at me.

My Toliet Trip...

Sooooo I always seem to do the dumbest things or maybe the dumbest things always happen to me, either way…I spend a lot of time laughing at myself.

Last night I went out for my evening run with my running buddy and best friend Jake-aronie (my dog). The humidity outside was horrible and by the time I got home I was disgusting!

*Side note – I always shower when I get home from working out, how come Jake just gets to go lap up water and eat his dinner right away…doesn’t he sweat too?**

I head upstairs and start to peel off my wet cloths, tossing them at the top of the stairs, because these are going right into the wash. They have to stink like death! Suddenly I feel something crawling around in my hair! I think, crap must be a leaf as I reach up to pull it out, but it moves under my fingers and scurries away deeper into my hair. Realizing that a bug is now lose on my scalp and most likely trying to locate a good nesting ground out of my reach so that it can hatch it young and they can all eat their way into my brain….I freak!

I begin to scream like a banshee, bringing Jake running up the stairs to my rescue…fat lot of good he did as he just sits there with his head tilted to the side watching me in mockery. I turn to run away from the bug, which happens to be an insane attempt of me running away from my own head. I go careening into the door knocking myself over backwards.

My arms go flying as I try in vain to regain my balance, however instead I fall backwards and land feet up in the toilet socking my butt in toilet water and cracking my tailbone. That will teach me to clean the toilet and forget to put the seat back down! Heck I am a single woman living alone, I don't think to check the toilet seat!

All I could do was try to stop hyperventilating as I struggle out of the toilet, breathe a sigh of relief that no one was actually around to witness my incompetence, thank the stars that my dog has not yet grown thumbs and learned how to use a camera and rub my butt as I laugh at myself. Since no one else is there to.

Now I am convinced that I am going to have a bruised tail bone for the next month and a red ring around my butt for the next week.

Oh the joys of my life! :)

Paraprosdokian

My best friend sent me this list in an email a few months ago, and I thought it was great...so I forwarded it to a few friends. Since then, the comments have been coming up in my head over and over again at random times. So I figured I would share :)

1. Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify_________, I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call whatever you hit the "target".

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the professionals, the Fire Department, usually uses water.

31The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.